FETCH ME SUNSETS

The last photo taken of Nala and I captured us sitting on top of a big rocky boulder at Sand Beach in Stonington, Maine gazing out over the horizon as the sun set over the ocean. It was also the last sunset Nala and I would chase together.

I am not sure when I first became so drawn to sunsets or why I have come to feel such a strong connection to them. For a long time, I thought it was just because I am not a morning person. Catching the sunrise was not an event great enough to move me out of bed so early in the day. But in moments of deep reflection, I have discovered that my relationship with sunsets is deeply spiritual. And, that perhaps it began when my dad was taken from me in a car accident at sunset over 30 years ago.

At some point over the years, chasing sunsets has given me a profound sense of relief and peace. Sunsets have not only provided me with a beautiful backdrop for many heartfelt goodbyes, but also served as a reminder that sometimes endings can indeed be beautiful.

Sunsets are magical; creating possibility between worlds and opportunities for the unseen to be seen.

Often as I watch the sun set over the horizon, lighting the sky on fire with a vibrant palette of red, orange, pink and yellow, for just a moment the air is filled with the possibility of a grand homecoming; like all those I have lost could emerge from the dimming daylight as soft silhouettes returning to me between the afternoon light and the darkness of night.

Sunsets are an artistic transcendence of space and time, a dance with the divine.

The pull of the sun into the sea mesmerizes me and holds me captive as I wait with a hopeful heart to see my sweet, sassy Nala running over the horizon back to me. She is followed by my gentle Aiden clumsily galloping behind her grinning with a wagging tail. And then come each of my loved ones…my mom and dad hand in hand, my great grandmother, grandparents- a reunion with all of my loved ones departed.

I know a lot of people who find inspiration in the sunrise: the dawn of a new day which carries so much hope and promise for what is to come. But for me sunrises carry a heaven burden. Last year I drove to Bar Harbor on Mother’s Day to catch the sunrise and scatter some of my mom’s ashes. Bar Harbor was her favorite place to visit in Maine and we had been hoping to make one more trip there. We never got the chance. When I pulled up to the coastline with mom’s ashes as my copilot, the sun began to rise. But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t ready. All I could think about was how long the day ahead felt; my first Mother’s Day without my mom. So, for me, sunrises simply carry the reminder and the heaviness of getting through another day alone, without my loved ones.

Sunsets are like a nostalgic exhale.

I do also have many fond memories of chasing sunsets though. In fact, when Nala and I sat watching our last sunset together, it felt as though all the memories spanning our ten years together were wrapped up in the beautiful ball of fire as it sunk into the sea, holding it sacred for us. I told her I would return often to meet her at sunset when the sky kisses the sea. And I have kept that promise; on anniversaries, birthdays, or any time I am just missing her. In those times, she almost always sends me a gift: a pocket full of shimmering sea glass, a field full of deer, hearts in the sky, or like the day I scattered some of her ashes, she sent me a refection of her in a landscape photograph I took overlooking the same view where we had our final sunset goodbye. Another time, Koda and I drove to one of our favorite spots to catch the falling sun at the beach where I captured the most beautiful photo of him during a winter’s sunset on what would’ve been Nala’s eleventh birthday, which later won recognition in multiple arenas at work. The photo was engraved on a plaque and printed on a poster that now hang in my office.

See what I mean? Magic.

Hope and healing wait for me in sunsets.

Chasing sunsets with Nala here and from the other side has taught me to seek them whenever I am in need of sanctuary or reverie. Showing me hope that I can (and did) survive another day alongside a vibrant offering of healing; salve to my broken, grieving heart. And just as their colors span across the sky, sunsets carry joyful memories, soul expanding reflections, celebrations of survival, and reminders of all the love that awaits me on the side.

And until the day our grand reunion comes, I will chase the sky to where it touches the sea and meet my Nala there, once again to Fetch me a sunset.

Love Stacey & Nala