FETCH ME PURPOSE

Nala's purpose was spreading pure joy wherever she went. Now, guiding me from Rainbow Bridge, she leads me as I search for purpose of my own.

I wanted a dog of my own my whole life. I had a childhood dog, named Bitsy, a neurotic yet very tolerant Cocker Spaniel, who added steady companionship from the time I was eight years old until I was eighteen. But, our relationship was limited by the fact that my mother was the alpha over both of us. Bitsy wasn't allowed in our bedrooms, she couldn’t sleep in bed with me, and our boundary of freedom was restricted to the house and backyard. But I had always imagined a dog of my own; one that would sleep with me in bed, accompany me on roadtrips and walks, and would be that once-in-a- lifetime kind of friend. And I wanted to do it right. I wanted the right house for a dog to live in; one with a big yard and lots of room for her to play in. I wanted a job with a stable income and schedule so I could afford to give her all she deserved. And, I wanted the timing to be right in my life so I could assume all the responsibility that came with having a dog. So I waited. After graduation. After my first post-college minimum wage job. After I got my masters. And after, my now ex, and I moved into our first house.

When I was finally ready, at 27, I started browsing pet adoption sites for puppies. I not only wanted to raise my first dog myself, but I wanted us to learn and grow together. Eventually I connected with a dog foster home in Southern Maine. They accepted my application and off I adventured to meet my first litter of puppies. I didn’t anticipate adopting the first pup I met, after all, it had to be right. I certainly didn’t expect to get it right the first time.

I first met Nala in an unfinished basement of her foster home. I was told her litter arrived in Maine through a transport and they were from Georgia. There were four in Nala’s litter: 3 yellow and white mixed breed pups and one black and white. I wanted a girl, so that eliminated one of them. One was very dominant and vocal and kept crawling over its siblings as it nipped and yipped to get to the front of the line. Nope, next. The third was very timid and shy, hiding in the back of the pen. And the fourth was sweet, yet confident who patiently waited for pats and happily wagged her tail when she received them. She had a small white patch of fur on the top of her forehead that took the shape of a diamond or a heart depending on her expression. I told the foster I would think about it and be in touch; after all it was such a big decision and these were the first pups I was meeting. But, I woke up the next morning still smitten. My ex and I talked it over and called the foster to ask to complete the adoption. A few hours later, we brought Nala home.

From day one, Nala’s purpose was joy. As the long-awaited first dog of my adulthood, she brought me so much joy from her arrival at our home to her last breath on this earth and everything in between. Soon after adopting Nala, I lost my job. I became lost and depressed, but had this new happy, joyful puppy who needed and wanted my attention. So in between job applications and interviews, I devoted my new free time to bonding with and training Nala. During that time, I learned how smart (and sassy) this girl was. I quickly went from smitten to in love. Little did I know at the time, but it was also the first trial of my adulthood that she would walk me through and the first of many lessons she would teach me.

Over the years, Nala saw me through job changes, romantic heartbreaks, the loss of our beloved rescue dog Aiden, two housing relocations, the isolation from a pandemic, and my mom’s passing. But she also helped me raise Koda and foster numerous shelter dogs, rode shotgun on numerous roadtrips, and volunteered alongside me as a therapy dog. She was my co-pilot on our adventures and in life; though sometimes, she took the wheel… metaphorically of course. She was smart, but if she could actually drive, I would be writing an entirely different story!

Nala’s big lesson that she taught me was about purpose. As humans, we spend our whole life striving for it, but often don’t notice it until we are looking in the rearview mirror. Becoming a therapy dog team with me was not her path, it was mine, and she was here to follow me along my path wherever it took me. Nala was not the kind of dog, therapy or otherwise, who offered empathetic comfort to those who were suffering, including me. She didn’t lay her head on their lap in calm reverie, or gently kiss hands or faces to bestow love during difficult times. Instead Nala took in all the pain and suffering and turned it inward. She then transformed it all into laughter and joy. She would wiggle and rub herself against me or a stranger open grinned and wagging tail to make us laugh. She would bring her favorite toy and drop it in a lap or she would hop and spin to encourage the one hurting to get up, shake it off, and go for a walk. Nala brought a sassy, loving, and joyful response to pain. She just wanted to help me, and anyone she met, feel better. She took our pain, our suffering and grief, and turned it inside out. I am pretty certain that all that pain mutated inside of her into a big ugly fatal tumor. She then carried all that suffering out of this world when she passed, leaving only the love and joy behind, her one final purposeful act on this earth.

I have spent my whole life trying to understand my purpose. When I graduated from college, wearing rose colored glasses and a big open heart on my sleeve, I thought I was going to change the world. I thought I was destined for something big. And, that I had to self-sacrifice to do it. So I pursed a career in service. I accepted jobs where I was often undervalued or underpaid. The missions were noble and worthy but I over identified, became emotionally burnt out and plummeted into debt because I couldn’t pay my living expenses. Additionally, I have always been the responsible one; the responsible daughter, student, coworker, friend etc. Over the years, those responsibilities turned into burdens that have often weighed heavy on my shoulders.

After losing Nala and my mom, I delved deep into soul searching. Caring so much for others, my community and the world, and self sacrificing to do it is not purpose; it is martyrdom. I am not here to be a martyr. I am a survivor but I am not a martyr. I am here to heal, grow, become and evolve into the strongest and most balanced, aligned and loving human I can be. I am here to experience this life fully, the dark times and the joyful, and to share the lessons, the healing and the gifts that I gain with those I encounter along the way. Those opportunities may come through a new career or service role in my community or through a chance encounter with a stranger who needs help or a kind word. Whether the impact comes in big waves or sends out small ripples, they both have the power to make a difference and to even create change.

I used to think we had one purpose, but Nala has shown me that our purpose changes. It grows, evolves and transforms from every experience we have. And it does not end in physical death. Nala’s physical purpose of bringing me joy by fulfilling my superficial desires: sleeping in bed with me, adventuring with me on hikes and tugging me out of grief and pain with her favorite stuffy, continues from Rainbow Bridge where she now brings me more meaningful moments of joy: bringing Ru into our life, sending me signs from the other side like unicorns, synchronistic messages when driving behind cars whose license plates that read CHSJOY to remind me she is still with me, and connecting me with books, opportunities and mentors that deepen my healing and spiritual awareness.

In death I am learning about life; the master has become the student as my one-of-a-kind dog, Nala, helps Fetch Me Purpose.

With gratitude and joy,

Stacey & Nala